004 - A Letter

Dear Zach,

She’s stubborn and hard headed but god knows I love her. There’s days when she’s grumpy for no apparent reason other than the fact that she’s grumpy. When she’s sick, she’s helpless and all you can really do is hold her in your arms and comfort her till she falls asleep. There’s days when she’ll complain about everything like the weather, people, music, or even you and you’ll just have to deal with it. She’ll complain about the room being too hot, to only result in closing the windows in the middle of the night because she’s too cold. There are days when she shuts the world out, she’ll ignore everyone because she just wants to sit in silence. Sometimes, she’ll claim she can eat an entire cow because that’s just how hungry she is. So we’ll make dinner plans and I’ll pick her up just to have her say, “I ate already, I was too hungry but I’ll still eat a little something.” There are days when she suffocates me with love. She’ll kiss and kiss and kiss, till I beg her to stop. She’ll tickle me until my insides hurt and hold my hand till it’s sweaty. There are days when she’ll claim every part of my body with her lips. And there are days when she’ll need her space and I’ll have to pull a chair up alongside the bed because she just needs her own space. There are days when her hair is messy and all over the place. Days when she’ll cry and you don’t know why but you won’t ask you’ll just let her cry. Days when she’s nervous and jumpy about everything. Days when she yells at me for no reason just to apologize two seconds later. Days when she’s a pain in the ass and pushes my buttons just to settle it with kisses. Days when I’m listening to my favorite song and she’ll talk over it because talking is more important than music. There are days when I need her to make decisions, to do the littlest things like pick a place to eat. She’ll refuse and say “I don’t know” until I give up and decide myself. Sometimes she’ll swear like a sailor and make jokes during times when she should probably be serious. There are days when it’s 3 in the morning and she won’t let me sleep and days when she’s too tired and fast asleep by 10pm. Sometimes she’s clumsy and sometimes she’s a walking contradiction; but she is everything I’ve ever wanted. I’d do everything to have her bad days, her grumpy days, her “I need space days,” her love me days, her laughing days, her clumsy days, and her happy days, because she is everything I’ve ever wanted and I wouldn’t dare trade her for anything in this world.

I found this today,  I hope this is how you feel about me, considering I'm always asking how you can deal with me and you always just sort of shrug it off with an "I just do, Baby". Things are a bit crazy lately and I can only hope you're holding up better than I am - for real. 'Cause I know you're staying strong on the surface, but your eyes are too beautiful in their strength to convey any weakness around those you love; so I'm not sure what's going on inside of you. Maybe you're falling apart at the seams like me, I hope you're not, but it's possible.

Because of that, when I found this, I couldn't help but hope it's true for you. Because that would make this all a little bit easier to take. Because even though neither one of us wrote it, I think it's still true. Or at least I like to believe it could be.

Anyway, I guess it's getting kind of late, or maybe this chaos is turning today into one of those other days where "she's too tired and fast asleep by 10pm", Well, at least Mrs. Elwood would be proud of me for finally integrating a quote at least semi-correctly. Maybe that can make up the five points for the homework assignment I was too tired to do last night and too painstricken to turn in this morning.

So I love you, hun. I love you so much that all I can think to say is that "I'm praying to a God that I don't believe in" with the hopes that you really are holding up better than I am (random song on the radio as I wrote this so maybe I can't actually correctly parenthetically site it - but damnit I tried).

Good night Love.

~ M. Rene'

003 - A Letter

Dear Zach,

This morning I woke you up by shifting around in bed (I think I even accidentally kicked you - SORRY! But seriously, blame the cramps.) Anyway after all that, the real time I meant to get you up with the kiss and marker in hand, that's what this is really about.

Really, this is what you get for telling me to make this my Valentines - that I could do pretty much anything I wanted to, as long as it made me happy. I've been dying to write our story on you since the first time you hugged me. While I completely understand that that would have been much sooner had I been out here sooner, I feel like you still understand the significance of that first glimpse of true safety.

Originally I was going to write in magenta lipstick. I was going to turn you into a work of art, one of my wordy designs that says those words like watered down coke-a-cola or "You have the most beautiful soul"; but I ended up deciding that it would tickle too much so the words would get all smudged before you even got to the mirror. Then I figured lipstick would be too difficult to get off - believe me I would know. I drew on myself for It's About Love the second year with a gorgeous shade of ruby and even though it came off on my Benton High uniform it wouldn't come off of my skin for nearly a week.

Yes, I'm going off on a tangent because that is the only real way to learn someone. You let their story come out through casual conversation and natural correlations. At least, that is what I like to believe more than anything else. Because what good is having an open book in front of you when you know that you're an avid reader who will turn the pages too fast, thus forgetting everything you've just read. You know me, there is no description more accurate than that one. Not for me at least.

Once I had the marker in my hand I changed my mind on what to write with every letter I put down. In the end I feel like there are so many better things I could have etched out, so I will gather them into a poem and post it later. Or maybe I'll try again tonight. . .

You have no idea how much I enjoy knowing you trust me enough to do things like this whenever the inspiration hits. And something tells me you like it more than you're letting on to - because the way you kissed me when you thought I had fallen back to sleep was unforgettable. Truly one to rival Buttercup and Westly.

Since we stayed up til four in the morning you're asleep again now. I like to imagine that you are having the best dreams of your life knowing that I'm right here next to you and I tell myself that when you wake up again (for real) your smile will outshine the sun streaming in for around the curtains. (Well, okay, they aren't really curtains, but you get the point.) I hope you're enjoying the warmth of my super soft purple blanket that's even too big for giants.

Happy Valentines Day, Darling!

With all my love,
M. Rene'

001 - A poem

Oh, Love,

I like to think that beauty outshines the madness -
that petals are more brilliant than thorns
could ever be potent.

Maybe that’s how you’ve managed to keep me alive
for so long with nothing more than a glass jar,
a handful of dirt, some water, and a spoonful of lullabies
filled with nothing but the utmost adoration.

Oh, Love,

You truly are made of the sun's brilliance
to find me as radiant as this rose -
glorious, cheerful yellow

like your own rays dancing through the room
landing on every heart with the simplicity of
a butterfly's kiss, and the epitome
of hope needed now more than ever.

002 - Letter

Dear Zach,

I guess I kinda ruined the surprise huh? I was just so excited, I wanted to see the way your smile lights up a room and know that this time - just this once it had nothing to do with anything or anyone other than me. Yeah, I get that that makes me sound a bit narcissistic, but we both know it's out of love, so that's okay right? Besides I'm not like that all the time, I hope.

Anyway, you were pretty good about deleting your history so maybe you really won't find this again just yet. Or at least not until a better time to find it, one more fitting and more magically meaningful than having it shown to you on a silver platter with only two entries - one of which wasn't even really directed at you. Anyway, the world should know what I'm doing in case they stumble upon this and go "what the fuck?" - that way I can spare the last of their sanity just a little while longer.

Okay so on to you, I just felt like writing because I wanted you to know how much I appreciate always having you around. I love you for being there when I have nightmares (even if you're really in your own bed, two blocks away), especially last night. Because no matter what I did the only things that made me feel any better were talking to you and holding on to Snowflake. He still smells like you and his hugs are almost as warm as yours.

I wanted to write you this electronic letter today, so that I could tell you how grateful I am to have met you. Because you always remind me that there's more to situations than the darkness I am so quickly drawn to. I am so grateful for your strength and the way you have been teaching me to hold you up in turn for keeping me steady. Because I constantly find reasons to be an even better version of myself whenever you're around.

Not to be cliche' or anything, but, Darling, you're the moonlight poking holes through my vast night sky. You are the waves crashing along my shores and I am the beaches forever weathering away in your storms - only to build up other islands in far away lands with brighter dreams than I could ever have. And I love knowing that no matter who or what we are you know without a shadow of a doubt that I'll be here for you too, for anything you need.

Right, right, you've probably got a ton of other letters to get through, plus your own life to live so I'll let you go. I just wanted you to know that I've never been more grateful for a single person (that wasn't related to me by blood) than I am for you.

Thank you for battling my fears for me last night.

Love,
Madison Rene'

001 - A Letter

Dear Zach,

"Today you called me your girl. Upon explaining what you meant we decided that we should see what it would be like to be together. I just wish you knew what you were getting yourself into."

You remember this, don't you? That was August year before last. A mere matter of months before moving to Sunny California and enrolling in school with you. Now that we've spent a year of gaming in the same room and weekend beach dates things really have changed haven't they? For the better though. Always for the better.

This morning I woke up and I missed the letters we wrote back and forth before I moved close enough to see you whenever I want. Part of me wants to blame Valentines, but really I think it's just because I miss how sure you were that you make me the person I've spent so long wanting to be. Maybe I just remember how happy we were and I hope that feeling never fades.

Then I went to all the places we left little thoughts and notes for each other, and it filled me to the brim with joy. So here we are, with me putting together an online collection of these for the entire world to see, for you, from me. Just like before, only this one's more advertised because I think there are a lot of people who have similar problems to the one I encountered this morning. In fact, as I was stirring sugar into my coffee I was playing with color schemes in my head. I was going to do bright yellows and title it something like "Dear Pineapple King", but then it would lose it's effect (and hurt my head). Finally while walking through the living room I saw all the red ornaments still hanging on our should be Mardi Gras tree I decided that red, black, and white might be more fitting - simply because red is associated with love and it's a brightly deep color that can correlate to the depths of my love for you.

I know, it feels weird to say that considering we've only been together a year and a half(ish) and we're still young (in the grand scheme of things). But I do think it will be interesting to see how this love and friendship grows and progresses over time. I found something else this morning that I thought would catch your eye - it reminded me of last night. Simply beautiful.

"Kiss her. Slowly, take your time, there’s no place you’d rather be. Kiss her but not like you’re waiting for something else, like your hands beneath her shirt or her skirt or tangled up in her bra straps. Nothing like that. Kiss her like you’ve forgotten any other mouth that your mouth has ever touched. Kiss her with a curious childish delight. Laugh into her mouth, inhale her sighs. Kiss her until she moans. Kiss her with her face in your hands. Or your hands in her hair. Or pulling her closer at the waist. Kiss her like you want to take her dancing. Like you want to spin her into an open arena and watch her look at you like you’re the brightest thing she’s ever seen. Kiss her like she’s the brightest thing you’ve ever seen. Take your time. Kiss her like the first and only piece of chocolate you’re ever going to taste. Kiss her until she forgets how to count. Kiss her silent. Come away, ask her what 2+2 is and listen to her say your name in answer."

With love,
Madison Rene'


P.s. I'm not sure how often to write here, so let's see when Inspiration tugs at my heartstrings and inky veins.

Welcome

Dear Finder of This,

Part of the human condition is an obsession with the feeling of love: being in love, being loved, and loving another. This being said, we so often wonder what causes that obsession; science tells us it's chemicals in our brain, emotion tells us it's the idea of bliss, and there are a million other sources giving us a million other answers. I am not going to tell you which one you should be believing or that any one is any more accurate than another, but I want you to know that this is a place for leaving our best attempts at telling the people we love that they are important to us.

I am an artist of many mediums, and even that is not enough to properly convey how I feel about the one in my heart. Some of the letters will be extremely personal, but I am working to keep them as meaningfully general as possible so that if you were to read you could relate as well. If you show the piece to someone I hope they know the complete honesty that you are intending to convey despite your own ability to get the words out.

Anyway, as this blog is intended as a gift for someone who has been in my heart for nearly two years, I want to say it is dedicated to Zachary James Trudeau; however, I hope you can still find your own meaning in every piece posted.

Love,
Madison Rene'